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Mama, You’re Doing Just Fine
By Myriam Martinez
“I want to be a good mom.” Does this sound familiar? It’s a statement I’ve heard repeatedly from my clients. They often experience a great deal of worry and anxiety about whether they’re doing it “right”? They want to do good by their children and are often fearful of making the same mistakes their own parents made.
As a mother myself, I can relate. We all want what’s best for our children and for them to be happy. But, as I watched these women question their ability to be good moms, all while doing what I thought was a great job, it made me wonder, what does it mean to be a good mom? Why is it something that we pursue with such angst and fury? And why do we constantly think we’re not measuring up?
The Myth of the “Good” Mom
There is a myth that exists in our society about what it means to be a good mom. It’s a myth because it is not rooted in any reality, and it demands more of mothers than they are able to realistically do. The pressure our culture and society put on mothers is insurmountable.
It seems the definition of a “good” mom is someone who can do it all and do it seamlessly, flawlessly and with a smile on her face. Good is then easily translated to “perfect.” The perfect mom doesn’t get stressed, handles things with ease, her children are perfectly behaved, and her household runs like a well-oiled machine, without any hiccups or failures. The “good” mom doesn’t complain because there’s nothing to complain about in this perfect scenario.
The message mothers receive is that mistakes are not allowed and that you shouldn’t struggle with any challenges or related emotions. You’re also not supposed to experience any difficult feelings related to being a parent, or towards your child.
Can you see how this myth creates an unrealistic scenario that sets mothers up to feel like they’re failing or not doing enough simply because they’re having real human experiences?
There are 3 main components to this societal myth that promote perfectionism in mothers and keeps them feeling down on themselves and inadequate as a parent.
1. Only Positive Feelings Are Allowed
From very early on in the parenting journey, you’re expected to feel only positive emotions such as joy, happiness, and gratitude. Often times, when a mom experiences challenging feelings about parenthood such as frustration, anger or sadness, she then experiences guilt and fears she’s doing something wrong in her parenting.
As human beings, we experience a vast array of emotions. Emotions are simply the body’s way of interpreting what is happening around us. When the body feels challenged in some way, which parenting is challenging, it responds accordingly by having you experience challenging feelings. This is a normal part of being human and not an indicator of you doing anything wrong.
Parenting is hard and it’s not always a happy journey. It’s ok to feel all and every emotion that surfaces as you move through it. It doesn’t mean anything about how much you love your child. You’re just being a human mother experiencing all the feels related to parenting.
2. Can’t Struggle or Make Mistakes
Often, the women I work with experience anxiety about not making mistakes in their parenting or “losing” it with their children. They don’t want to harm their child, cause them any pain unintentionally, or permanently scar them in some way. And of course, none of us wants this for our children!
But, because we are imperfect humans, we are going to parent imperfectly and make some mistakes along the way. Expecting yourself not to make any mistakes is not only unrealistic, but it creates a lot of anxiety and stress, and will more likely lead to you feeling inadequate. Not because you are, but because struggling and making mistakes is a normal part of being a parent but because of the societal pressure, you might feel like you’re failing. You’re not. It’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to make mistakes.
3. Self-sacrifice as a Badge of Honor
This is probably the most damaging component of the myth of the “good” mom.
What this message tells moms is that they need to put themselves, their lives, their needs, and desires, aside for their children. The expectation is almost as if moms are to cease existing as humans and instead exist solely for the purpose of meeting their children’s needs.
Trying to exist as if you don’t have any human needs of your own, or your own dreams or desires, breeds resentment. You are a human with her own life and her own needs and it’s ok to put those first from time to time.
How Does the Myth of the “Good” Mom Affect Mothers?
1. It creates anxiety and stress. Because the expectations are unrealistic and will never be obtained, you’re constantly running towards something that you’ll never reach. This creates unnecessary stress and anxiety in your body and keeps you feeling like you’re failing.
2. It breeds irritability and resentment. If you’re constantly putting yourself last because you believe this to be the “right” thing to do, you are creating resentment because your needs are constantly being pushed aside. This can make you irritable and angry.
3. It compromises moms’ mental and physical well-being.
4. If you continue to put yourself last, and as stress and anxiety builds, it can begin to take a toll on your mental and physical health. The evidence is clear that high stress and neglecting your needs contributes to compromised mental and physical health.
Redefining What It Means to Be a Good Mom
When I was training to become a therapist, I worked with children who struggled with Severe Emotional and Behavioral Disturbances. These kids had gone through some stuff.
I got pregnant halfway through my internship and they were more than happy to give me parenting advice based on their own experiences. Their suggestions were simple:
- Listen to your kids
- Be patient
- Be kind
Notice that nowhere do they ask for anyone for be perfect. Just to listen and to care.
So, what if a good mom:
– Is someone who thinks and reflects on what they’re doing?
– They are conscious and mindful and reflect, without judgment, on the ups and downs of the parenting experience. open to growth?
– They recognize they’ve never done this before, and that parenting is an opportunity for deep growth, learning, and transformation. And that growing hurts sometimes.
– Embraces her humanity? They recognize that they are perfectly imperfect, that it’s ok to make mistakes, to ask for help, and to be a human. They model embracing humanity to their children
– Has good boundaries?
– They take care of themselves and prioritize their needs because they recognize that this helps them be better for their children.
Redefining the way we look at “good” parenting is essential for both mother’s and children’s physical and mental well-being. By changing these unrealistic societal expectations, mothers everywhere can find more ease and enjoyment in the parenting journey and embrace that they’re doing just fine in their own imperfect way. And children everywhere can learn how to be human, not perfect.
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Myriam Martinez, MA is a Women’s Mid-Life Strategist and Art Therapist with over 15 years’ experience working with women around issues of stress, self-inadequacy, and self-identify. She is a successful entrepreneur and the founder of the Women’s Creative Corner Community.
Myriam deeply believes that women are creative, intuitive, intelligent beings that
are often conditioned to put themselves last and therefore lose touch with
themselves and their inner knowing. Myriam helps women find personal and professional success by learning to love and regard themselves like they would a good friend, put their needs first, and create the life they’ve always wanted. She gently guides women towards a path of learning to embrace their Woman-ity©, love themselves fiercely and design their life on their terms.